The Tragic Decline of the Teaspoon

A Scientifical Research Document documentated by Kelsey Harris

The teaspoon ( spoonetta minimus ), also known as the 'little spoon' or 'coffee spoon', is quickly disappearing from our local restaurants. The teaspoon is a small cousin of the tablespoon ( spoonetta maximus ) and looked almost exactly like a smaller version of aforementioned cousin. It was small, only about twelve centimeters long, with a wide point at one end, and a small, shallow bowl about four centimeters long creating the spoon, while the other eight centimeters were used as a handle. Typically, the teaspoons were silver and made of a metal. However, a new species of teaspoon had been recently introduced: the plastic teaspoon ( spoonetta minimus plastica )! These were not as durable, but came in many different colors. Since they are relatively new, they are now more abundant than their parent species, which are being steadily replaced by their cousins, aforementioned tablespoon, and the more popular soupspoon ( spoonetta soupius ). The soupspoon is different than its cousins in the fact that while their bowls are long and narrow, its bowl is round and deep.

I, your humble researcher, recently had a surgery which made the right side of my face unable to move. It was because of this unfortunate malady that I discovered the near-extinction of our friend the teaspoon.

I was with my family at the local O'Charley’s restaurant and I ordered my favorite, Loaded Baked Potato soup. I received my bowl, picked up the soupspoon that it came with, and made my first attempt at a delicious bite. I ran into some issues. You see, I could only move one side of my mouth, making the wide soupspoon wider than my mouth, making enjoying my soup potentially problematic. However, the problem was soon solved. We simply requested a coffee spoon, and one was sent right over.

So I was prepared when we walked into the Olive Garden. And indeed, when my soup came out, a soupspoon awaited me. Politely, I requested a teaspoon, 'or a coffee spoon', I added, remembering my previous experience. Imagine my shock when she proclaimed they had none! Just it's cousins, the soupspoon! I was shocked and alarmed, but I calmed myself down, assured that it was surely just regional. The teaspoon was in no danger, I kept assuring myself. It wasn't widespread.

My assurances were wrong. Mere days after the scare at Olive Garden, we visited another O'Charley’s. I once again ordered Loaded Baked Potato Soup and once again, I was met by a too large soupspoon. I, once again, asked for a teaspoon. Our server was rather busy, and it took him a while to come back. And when he did, it was with shocking news! He stopped before our table and announced that there were no teaspoons in the establishment!

My dear fellow spoon users, it is with the deepest sorrow and greatest regrets that I must report to you that our small friend the teaspoon is going extinct.

It is tragic, I know. After all, teaspoons have been around for centuries. They have measured out so many spoonfuls of sugar! So many bites of ice cream! And who did not take their first bite of table food unaided by this loyal friend?

That, my dear friends, is why we must do our part to save the poor defenseless creatures! Lead protests! I strongly suggest boycotting all of the foul restaurants that have banned our poor friends from entering. We do not know why they are doing this, but we are working to find out. In the meantime, remember!

Save the teaspoons!

~Kelsey Harris